Ive been thinking of doing this for a while and I’m fairly certain the only reason I wanted to do these recaps is so that I’d have an excuse to rewatch each episode the next day.  We could go on and on about my increasingly concerning amount of free time or my even more concerning decision to broadcast it on the internet but I’d rather just get to the recapping, lets go.

It’s been what feels like a cruel amount of time since we last saw our fictional friends in their medievel fantasy land full of terrible humans and a couple dragons but we are finally back in the not so friendly confines of HBO’s Game of Thrones.  They’ve reward our patience by cutting through the foreplay and getting right into the good stuff.  Cold open, not even the normal title sequence to get in the way.  We first see a seemingly reanimated Walder Frey yammering on about some bullshit to all the Frey men in attendance in his infamous banquet hall.  We make the realization pretty quickly that this is Arya indulging in a little bit of cosplay and that something very satisfying is about to go down.  She makes a toast to some of the awful shit the Frey House has been responsible for throughout the series and then proceeds to poison all of those present.  She then removes that old cunts face and delivers a chilling little speech to what is presumably one of that ancient creeps wives about the North remembering then drops the mic and walks out like the bad mother fucker that she is.  Queue the music.  We’re back!

Next, we get a look at the meandering army of the dead just strolling through the snow on their seemingly endless journey to the wall.  We get a good look at the massive numbers and oh look, they have giants!  Can’t wait to see what other creatures they may have lurking in that army latter on.

Back to civilization, we make our first post credit stop with the living at Winterfell where Jon is holding court with all of the houses of the north.  He’s going on about needing dragon glass and training both the men and women for battle making him the most progressive man this side of the wall.  Of course, that obvious misogynist and all around whiny little puss Lord Glover takes issue with this.  Not having any of it, that tiny little future dominatrix Lady Mormont steps up to put that gray bearded fuck in his place, again.  That guy just keeps on taking Ls at the hands of this pint sized one women wrecking crew and I love it.  She owns all of the real-estate in his head and the only reason I hope he sticks around is so that she can continue using his testicles as a speed-bag.  “I don’t need your permission to defend the North.”  Just give her all the crowns and lets be done with this crazy game.

Following that first round knockout, Jon sends the free folk to man one of the castles at the wall which is possibly the most blasphemous act yet on a show with so much incest and murder that I often question what happened to young George to make him think of this all in the first place.  Then we get the beginning of what was foreshadowed at the end of last season.  The ‘brother and sister’ start to bicker.  Jon is going about dealing with the traitorous Umbers and Karstarks the way that his father would have but Sansa has seen where that type of thinking got the rest of the Stark men over the years and takes major issue.  It’s hard to say who is right here, Jon is thinking more practically in the sense that he needs everyone together to fight whats coming but Sansa is channeling her inner Cersei and wants her enemies to pay.  I think Jon is right but Sansa is living in the real world.  I hope that they can combine these two perspectives to form their own Golden State like super team but that seems unlikely and it looks like this is only the beginning of an ever-growing rift between the two.

On to Kings Landing where Cersei is preparing for war.  Her and Jamie commiserate over a giant map of Westeros where they lay out the enemies and circumstances that have currently befallen them.  Cersei is as crazy as ever while Jamie seems to be in a much more rational headspace.  After listing off all of their enemies and options she drops a pretty damning bit of dialogue saying basically that she doesn’t give a shit that her son is dead because he betrayed her, yikes.  All bets are really off with her this season.  She no longer has anything human tying her to this world.

The Iron Islanders and Euron, still crazy as all hell but with a new summer do, come to have a chat with the new Queen.  He has a proposal for Cersei and a lot of metaphorical jabs to throw at Jamie.  After a bit of verbal jousting back and forth, Cersei rebuffs his offer of marriage and Euron leaves, but not before he promises to return with a ‘gift’.  Tyrion would be the best gift he could give to Cersei but I don’t see the logistics of that happening.  In my prediction blog I speculated that Yara would not make it out of this season.  Maybe she is the gift of which he speaks?

Meanwhile, at the Citadel, we get the best montage ever put to screen focused solely on returning library books, cleaning shit filled bed pans and the serving of gruel.  Solid gag reflex on Sam, btw.  Our plump little bookworm then participates in a conversation filled autopsy and then sneaks into a restricted section of the library after his calls for access fall on deaf ears. The man knows how to steal a book because he quickly comes across the information that the castle of Dragonstone conveniently sits atop a massive amount of that dragon glass Jon has been looking for.  Oh yeah, he also comes across the even worsening condition of that disgraced, retired slave selling cuck Jorah the Andal who is looking for a dragon update and probably also a cure.  So thats cool.

Back at Winterfell, Brianne is beating the shit out of Pod.  Tormund shoots his shot and it doesn’t exactly work but it also doesn’t not work so maybe those two crazy kids are still in play.  Personally, I’d rather see them fight together than fuck but if thats where they want to go with it who am I to stand in the way of young love.

Sansa and that little weasel Baelish also have a brief conversation that goes poorly for the latter.  It was nice to see her take a shit right on Little Fingers face though.  I was really hoping that he wouldn’t be the one who causes any possible split between her and Jon but it looks like that will be happening on its own if it does.  Also makes me think if he’s not going to be involved in their split then he might not be long for this world.  Not sure what other use he plays at this point other than providing the viewer with an ever changing accent.  I’m thinking Bran reunites with his ‘siblings’ and after he’s done filling Jon in on his true parentage, he lets them know the part old Pytre played in Ned’s death.  I mean, he does know everything now, right?

We once again meet up with Arya who comes across some Lannister soldiers having a sing.  I won’t address the stunt casting because I don’t really give a shit about Ed and his velvety voice and ginger face.  They start the scene with heavy implications that Arya will be making short work of these unsuspecting foot soldiers but instead they turn out to be quite lovely and even share a rabbit with her.  She even has them all in stitches by the end when she drops the hilarious old gut buster about murdering the queen.  She’s got great timing, really.  I don’t think she makes it to Kings Landing, this just seems like it would be too easy.  I’m thinking this is how Gendry is reintroduced and this ends up sidetracking her in some manner.  Also and maybe, she finds her old dire wolf Nymeria and they go on some wacky scoobie doo like adventures together, but that’s probably just what I want to happen.

I’m still getting used to the Hound hanging with the Brotherhood Without Banners and being a fairly good all around dude but we rejoin him in a much snowier environment doing more of the same.  The group stops by the old farmhouse where that random father and daughter shared some rabbit stew with him and his former traveling companion.  If you remember, he beat up the dad and stole his gold so this is a fun time of reflection and guilt for the smaller Clegane.  He waxes on about why Beric keeps coming back for a while then sees some future shit in the fire, you know, typical blizzard stuff.  He then buries the father and his girl and we move on.  Not terribly exciting but character development and all that, plus we get to hear him call someone a dumb cunt so it was worth it.

Finally, we get to the bit the episode was named for.  Dany and her buds all come ashore and she makes her way through Dragonstone.  Its a pretty cool sequence, no words are spoken and everyone just kind of hangs back and lets her have her moment.  Once she has let it all sink in she takes a moment to compose herself and is back to all business, turning to Tyrion and proclaiming, “shall we begin?”.  Fuck yeah we shall.  Get that army and get those dragons and lets do this.

Solid first episode.  Lots of setting things up as one would expect with a premiere but enough fun shit to keep you entertained.  Strong effort all around and such a great primer for what we all expect to be one hell of a ride.  Is it Sunday yet?