Florida is the fucking worst.  It’s a place for dads who abandon their families and dumb people that are too stupid to realize California exists.  Florida is the reason I’m in favor of global warming.  I’m not a climatologist, but it feels safe to assume that that waste of beach will be the first place to fall into the sea.  In the midst of this cesspool of pointlessness is Tampa Bay.  By Florida standards, it’s a vibrant Mecca of culture and progress. But, it is also home to the most terrible structure man has ever mistakenly erected.  The building: Tropicana Field.  

It ranks up there with the South Fork Dam and the Pemberton Mill as one of biggest engineering failures known to man.  I would even give it the nod over those two as at least they had the decency to collapse.  Even though there may have been higher body counts associated with those disasters, I would contend that they are dwarfed by the depression based suicides that the Trop has caused during its 19 years of existence.  I can’t even take solace in the fact that they are Floridians because Rays fans are so fucking terrible that every game is flooded with the opposing team’s fans.  

As for the building itself, calling the interior boring is an insult to boredom.  The banality of every single aspect of this stadium could be considered artistic, if it wasn’t all done as a serious attempt to construct a destination for entertainment.  It’s as if a color blind nihilist was given free range to put this zero of a stadium together with no outside supervision.  There is nothing fun or uplifting about this place, and that doesn’t even take into account the sorry excuse for a product they put on the field year after year.

I don’t blame them.  The organization is actually doing the people of their city a public service by giving them an unwatchable group of players that no one could spend 3 hours watching thus ensuring they don’t destroy what little happiness they may still have with whatever it is one considers a passable existence down in that swampy garbage state.  Even just watching a game on tv results in me having to book an extra visit with my therapist that week.  

With that said, we spend a lot of time as a society talking about second hand smoke, childhood obesity and the homeless epidemic, but real issues like this get swept under the rug.  I’m just glad I can do my part to shed some light on this poster child for abortion.  No one else has to suffer.  Together we can overcome.

@BastardHans on Twitter