Sox Finally Cut Ties With Overweight Millionaire

I want to preface this post with stating that I have many fat friends who are shit at baseball so the harsh wording I’m about to use is perfectly fine.

Back in 2015, the sox needed a third baseman. Unfortunately, they ended up with Pablo Sandoval.  The overweight, ‘switch hitting,’ mediocre at best, hot corner resident whose signing never seemed like a well thought out solution.  It wasn’t that he was a bad player.  He was pretty pedestrian but no one would have described him as ‘terrible at his job’.  The issue was the extravagant amount of money they gave him to be so meh. That was bad enough, but what followed was much worse.  First, he was terrible, never even matching his forgettable production with the Giants. Then, there was his weight.  He just couldn’t keep himself in any type of shape that resembled a professional athlete.  He was never going to be the poster boy for Equinox, but this was keeping him from doing his job.  I would be more bothered by this but it provided one of my favorite sports moments in years, the day he was so fat his belt just said no more, I concede, breaking in hilarious fashion.  And now, so have the Red Sox.

Pablo was designated for assignment and now he can take his remaining roughly $50 million still owed to him and eat himself into the oblivion.  Say goodbye to the rigors of playing a game reserved mostly for children, you are finally free to chase your true passion, crippling obesity and diabetes.  Follow that siren song of high cholesterol and heart disease, I truly hope you find what you are looking for.  Good luck, sweet Panda, good luck.

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